Mad Movie Guy

Now, I don’t wanna go off on a rant here, but Im gonna. Fucking trains, seriously ? Do they serve any purpose other than fucking up someones day, while they are trying to get somewhere. Take this morning for example, imagine its around 9 am, and your just coming home from getting some breakfast, so you are fucking starving, and you have this tasty breakfast treat sitting on the front seat next to you, and you get caught at the damned train crossing. Adding insult to injury, you quickly look back and your choice to take this specific path home which avoided left turns, and went through the fewest amounts of traffic lights (I think in this way no matter where I go around town), but you figure, hey, its 9am on a sunday, what are the chances a train is going to get in your way (The other way goes OVER the tracks, grrrrr), so what happens, a train of course, and not just any fucking train, a long bitch of a transient carrying cargo train, doing a good 28 mins of back up, pull forward, tease you here, then more back up and more fucking going fucking forward, meanwhile your voice is horse from screaming at the ass pony putting on this display of tactically retarded train maneuvers, and of course chain smoking camels, to pass the time. No joke when I say at least 28 mins, the ENTIRE songs “Cant you see” and “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald (Got a little weepy there, for the lives of the wives and the sons and the daughters, but the legend lives on from the chippawah on down, Im gonna stop now)” played off the ipod, and those are not short fucking songs. So I did a little web surfing, and sent some myspace messages, caught up on the CNN, and was pondering the ways around causing alternate timelines when travelling through time, when I started to think to myself, seriously, what the fuck good are trains, every time you see one, the cars are almost empty, and the are covered in scribbles, all they do is allow Hobo’s easy transport, so they can all unite and eventually form a malitia, to quite possibly over through ours, or even the Canadian Goverment, I haven’t quite figured out what their intentions are on that front. But my point is, there is faster ways to ship shit, that doesnt fuck up my day, what If I was carrying an organ for some kind of operation that needed to be preformed “STAT!!!”, trains should be fucking outlawed, is there some part of me that is bitter because I have never travelled by train ? Possibly, but Ive also never traveled by hovercraft or space shuttle, but those two alternative forms of transportation, never prevent me from getting home in time to watch The Notebook, or what ever may be on TV at the time. Then again, I probably have that movie on DVD just in case something like this ever came up. Bottom line, out the fuck law trains, I dont wanna deal with them anymore, but please keep traintracks, they are pretty fucking cool, and the conerstone for many a childrens adventure movie. Doubt me ? Nevermind, you all know better, plus to make matters worse, the train managed to finally “Get the fuck” out of my way, just a moment too soon, as I was on the verge of a breakthrough with time travel. Now If I could just get some insane government grant, Ill prove time time travel is possible, that or take the money and run.

Years, from now, historians of some yet unnamed super power of the world will be going over history books, and archived footage, and its clear that 2008 will forever be etched into the minds of the future scholars, and not just because we elected the first African-American President (Which by the way america, you pat yourselves on the back on that one), but because it was the year that R-Rated comedies came back, in a big, fithly wholesome, outstanding way.

“Ode To Batmobile,”

A Poem,

By The Good Rev. Jumptank

Oh green beast,
Lying dormant in the street,
Not knowing that you lie at a threshold,
Next time you journey at all,
You will forever be changed,
Today still young and beautiful,
But after my next travel,
You will be old and tired,
Stupid odometer slumbers at 99999,
Waiting with broken windows,
And Obama stickers,
And dvd copies of 2 fast 2 furious, and Diggers (Diggers!! I got Diggers yo!!!),
Ya know what ?,
Fuck it, Im not a poet.

First off, let me clear something up, I’m not really into bondage, that was a clever attempt at what I call a misleading title, see I hold one thing up, and bam, slap ya all with something else, kinda like that great line from catch me if you can where Walken says “why are the yankees so good ?, cause they distract other teams with there pinstripes” or something like that, and I hope you all either “heard” Walken’s voice when you read that, cause I sure as shit know, that I was doing an impression out loud while I wrote it. What was my initial point ? Oh right, Ill get to it.

Looking back, on the last 8 years of my life (which trust me, is not as fun as it seems) I realized something. First off, its fucking November, which is unreal to me. This year has flown by way too fast, anyways, its November, and we are two days away from an important moment in American history. Two days from now, we will finally have a new president. Now here is what I have realized, 8 years ago, there is a real good chance that I didnt even know there was an election going on when Bush and Gore had their election. We all know how that one turned out, and how it shaped the world for the next 8 years, and honestly years to come. I was drinking like a fish, and getting into all kinds of shenanigans with my crew of roommates and hellraisers, election ? Who gives a shit really.